Curtains. A Letter to God.

Hi God.

Sorry I haven't talked to you in a while.
Sorry for all the doubt, hate and opposition the world throws your way.

I shouldn't feel tentative and scared while I say this to you.
And I'm sorry that I  am.

Why is it that we fear you? Why I fear you?
I believe it is human nature to fear the unknown.
That being said, you don't cause fear. It's our cowardly human minds that do.
I doubt someone as giving as you would created such terror among men.

To cause fear is such a human thing to do.

Which is why we fear you.
We're human. We fear. It's what we do.

When we're not in control, we go against those who are, or we simply worship them.
It's become tough to tell who worships you out of love or out of fear.
Yes, it can be both.
We tend to fear losing the things we love.



Humans are selfish that way.



Selfish and fearful. So human, so flawed.
But how could you make something so flawed?
You, being so un-flawed, obviously didn't make a mistake.

So that means you did it on purpose.

Not because you are selfish and spiteful. Those are human excuses.
But because you love us.
You made us selfish and fearful, because you. love. us.
Because you give us free will...and a choice.
The choice of whether to be selfish and fearful. Or to choose to be like you.
Wonderful. Perfect. God-like.

But just saying that feels wrong. Impossible. Just odd.
Us, mere humans, insects and whores don't deserve such a glorifying title.
Not unless you, who are so loving and giving pull that Curtain of doubt away and bless us with such an honor.
The honor of being named God-like.

Good luck finding such people.
People who are in fact, wonderful, perfect, and God-like.
People who we should praise for being so incredible and wonderful.
Not for their money, looks, or silver-tongued words.
But for their uncorrupted and honest success.

For making the right choice.

The inhuman choice.

The God-like choice.

If you do find such people, I'd like you to ask yourself,
"Do they want the Curtain of doubt pulled away? SHOULD I pull that Curtain of doubt away?
Because, if I do, will they continue being loving, giving, and God-like?
Or will they fall into arrogance and self-righteousness?"

Well, we are humans after all.

Thank you though, for our choice. Now it's time to make yours.
Do you trust our unwavering loyalty?
Or will we succumb to our disgusting human instincts?
But what do I know? I am just a human after all.

I'm sorry if our choice is wrong.
And I applaud you for creating those who choose right.
Make sure they don't trip on the Curtain on their way to humbleness.
It's a very rocky path that not many make.

Because falling off, tends to be our instinct.


Happy Saturday.

Bleeding Pennies

We made it to one too many times.
We made it to revulsion.
We made it to hell.

We laughed on our way.

We laughed at the blood.
We laughed at each other.
We laughed at those disgusting tears.

We perfected hate.

We perfected causing shame.
We perfected our bitterness.
We perfected making those lies into living creatures.

We danced to the screams

We danced for those burning dreams.
We danced for those bite-marks.
We danced for failing.

We were awarded for our predictability.

We were awarded for oil stains.
We were awarded for turning birds into handcuffs.
We were awarded for doubt

We made it. We did it.

Lock and load it. Finish this meal. Your destructive Dessert awaits.

I'm smiling as we gulp down mayhem.
You're smiling as you pull the trigger.

The sweets drip down your face just like the blood falls down on mine.

You scrub it away, delighted with your grief.
I shrug you off, disgusted with my dessert.

My dessert. You got a bigger piece than I did.

I'm more hungry then you ever were.

My tongue snakes out. But all I get is vegetables.

We smiled at the Pain.
We smiled at the screaming.
We smiled at each other.
One too many times won't happen again.

Our plates are cleared away. Nothing is left.

We failed, but we laughed while doing it.


Happy Saturday.

Scattered Second Thoughts

Who would have thought I'd fallen in love?
Who would have though I'd fallen in love again?
Love is supposed to be that glorious light that seems to wash all that sticky darkness and dread away. If that's the case, I have fallen in love many a time. I love Chinese food. I love music. I love my slippers, my television, my cheetah-printed snuggie. All these things make my day better.
But that's not quite love, is it?
I love these things but I don't, you know, looooove them. That would be worrisome in a messed-up, kinky way.

What is love anymore, anyways? Words that used to have the most meaning and the most honesty have been scorched and mutilated into emotionless cliche's, bleeding away their purpose into second thoughts and meaningless phrases. Phrases like: I love you, Thank you, God Bless, I'm sorry, Please.

What do these words mean anymore, anyways?
Nothing.
They're...expected. Obligatory. Meaningless.

So why do we use them so much if they're nothing but bland and un-heartfelt words? Words that are supposed to make a difference. Words that, are supposed to make you feel.
Could really say these words to someone you care about? Someone who you want to share your true feelings to?

So, now I ask you to take a breath. Take a chance. Take a while...to say these words for real.
I love you.


Thank you.


God bless.


I'M SORRY.

Please.
Please...try.
And please, for my sake, for God's sake, for your sake, don't turn honesty into another cliche. Being heartfelt is all we have left.

Who would have thought I could have fallen in love?
Who would have thought I'd fallen in love again.

Just another cliche....
Just another word.

Happy Tuesday.

Listen To My Terror

I'm afaid of normality.

I'm afraid of change.

I'm afraid people will find out who my Pen Name belongs to and be disappointed.

That I'm just that one kid that sits in the front.

The one that is only really noticed when they say something completely nonsensical or irrelevant.

I'M AFRAID I'M IRRELEVANT.

I'm afraid I'm doing it right wrong.

I'm afraid if I finally do it correct, no one will notice.

....I'm afraid of getting noticed.

I'm afraid of the word drizzle. And moist. And pus. And bodies. And drizzle.

I'm...wondering.

I'm afraid of speed rather than heights. I'm afraid of ouches.

I'm afraid to lose everything. For I will give everything to keep my Everythings.

I'm afraid of birds. Stay away from my sandwich.

I'm afraid I won't have my dreams come true. I'm even more afraid I won't have dreams.

I'm afraid of failure.

I'm afraid of worthless success.

I'm afraid of shackles.

I'm afraid of leaving my cell.

I'm afraid my ribbons will come loose and no one will tell me.

I'm afraid I wasn't good enough for heaven, but not bad enough for hell.

I'm afraid apologies will lose their effect.

I'm afraid of expiration dates. Both on foods and on chances.

I'm afraid I won't get out of Utah.

I'm terrified to leave this suffocating State.

                   To leave this suffocating state.

I'm afraid I'll be forgotten...

I'm afraid of you and I'm afraid of myself.

I'm afraid of my potential.

I'm afraid to depend on people.

I'm afraid when people depend on me.

I'm afraid I never did enough.

I'm afraid of disappointing.

And even more, disappointment

I'm afraid of regret.

I'm afraid I won't feel regret.

Aren't you listening?

I'm afraid.

Happy Tuesday

My Love Songs to No One

I was waiting for forever. Forever didn't come.
I was waiting for a gunshot to the heart.
I was waiting for clarification. For the truth.
To see if this whole sloppy and seducing mess was as predictable as I imagined.
I wasn’t waiting for love. I was waiting for my cold, mechanical heart to start beating again.
I was waiting for my hair to ignite into self-absorbed flames,
burning away all others who dared to look upon my smoldering pride.

I was waiting for something. You didn’t come.
Understanding didn’t come. Self-pity didn’t even come.
Just the constant Tick-Tocking of my clockwork soul.
I was waiting for someone to thaw my face,
but all I got was the usual tune-up and oil fill for my rusting gears.

I was waiting for a moment. The answers didn’t come.
The world slept in and I was the only one who went to school Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock.
I wasn’t waiting for liberation. I was waiting for awareness.
I was waiting for my warm-blooded teacher to choose me as a volunteer,
so I could mess up and people would realize my fuses are fraying.
Nobody’s here.
The world slept in.
I wasn’t waiting for sympathy. I was waiting for the slap in the face,
so that the fading red mark would be a reminder of what Pain feels like Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock

I was waiting for inspiration. Paris didn’t come.
I wasn’t waiting for anything specific. I was waiting to be caught off guard.
Cannot compute.
At least something interesting is happening.
That gunshot you left isn’t bleeding,
only leaking small bits of fuel that keep my programming running.
I wasn’t waiting to be fixed, I was waiting to be broken from this shadow of a person.
To be with you and the storm clouds forever.
The sky would not cry.

I was waiting for forever. Forever didn’t come.
Only the rust.
And the Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock.

Happy Saturday.

I'm Thinking About You...

During those moments where you get easily distracted, I often find myself easily thinking about you.
Right now, I’m thinking about you.
I’m thinking about you like small town girls think about cities.
I’m thinking about you like balloons think about air.
I’m thinking about you like cats don’t think about dogs,
but they think about mice.
Like burns think about ice.
Like white people think that Asians only think about rice.
I’m thinking about you like facial hair thinks about 5 o’clock.

I’m thinking about you like angels think about their family.
Like Van Helsing thinks about Edward.
I’m thinking about you like women think about babies.
Like rats think about rabies.
Like studs think about ladies.
I’m thinking about you like books think about eyes.
Like eyes think about color.
Like color thinks about contrasting and complementing and complimenting other colors.

I’m thinking about you like heroes think about damsels.
I’m thinking about you like nerds think about their future.
I'm thinking about you like love thinks about getting hurt.
Like hurt thinks about getting better.
Like butter thinks about toast.
Like fatties think about roast.
Like sailors think about the coast.
I’m thinking about you like journals think about feelings.

I’m thinking about you like pillows think about drool.
Like drop-outs think about school.
I'm thinking about you like waves think about the moon.
Like stars think about the moon.
Like the sun thinks about the moon.


I’m thinking about you like words think about being spoken.
Like hearts think about being broken,
and then being fixed,
by chocolate binges and pixie sticks.
I’m thinking about you like how I hope you’re thinking about me.
Because baby, what’s the point in Thinking if you aren’t.

Happy Saturday.

Cycles

What is it like to be broken? Sad, angry, and hurt? Am I broken? Damaged? What do I want? Normality I suppose. Normality. Look where it has gotten me. I say that both with sarcasm and literalness. Look where it has gotten me.
Normality.
What we all strive to be. Normal. But wait, the latest trend is to stand out from the crowd, be different. But it seems that doing this has become such a common occurrence that being different is now the normal thing to do. Kind of an ironic contradiction, right? It's normal to be different. It's okay to be strange. It's acceptable to be a freak. Because it's cool. You are so cool you freak, weirdo, slut, abnormality, geek, mutant, oddity, monster. You did it. You're cool now.
It seems that originality has been sucked away. Being different has lost its preciousness and is now no longer special. Since people are trying so hard to stand out, they just end up being shaped into this mold of a person that is somehow considered to be cool. Slowly, they become normal. You're not different. You're just like everyone else. That's what you wanted, isn't it?
We're all broken in some way. But you shouldn't try to be broken. That's unnatural. That's freaky, weird, psychotic, and abnormal. Trying to break yourself so other broken people will allow you to join their effed-up club of broken miscreants. Congratulations, you are part of the "it" crowd. You just had to break yourself, your uniqueness, and your identity to do so. To become one of the masses. To conform to normality.
What's it like to be cool? What's it like, to be broken...?

Happy Wednesday.

Love is....

Love is a hot cup of coffee to wake you up in the morning. Love is a sweet lullaby that helps you fall asleep at night.Love is that breath-taking sunset that reminds you how truly beautiful life is. Love is that hug and comfort you yearn for when your world feels like it is going to fall apart. Love is the thing that makes your world fall apart. Love is ductape and superglue. Love is the ocean, the sky, and the field. Love is inspiration. Love is distraction. Love is peace. Love is war. Love is obligation. Love is contradiction. Love is the sound that makes you turn your head in whatever direction that sweet noise came from. Love is hot. Love is cold. Love is luke-warm. Love is a double-take. Love is what makes you hate yourself. Love is what makes you forgive yourself.

What we have learned form Love is that it can destroy everything into sobbing ashes. Yet, somehow, at the same time, Love can create the most glorious and genuine masterpiece the world has ever seen. Love is meant to be. Love is to break, shred, and scar those things that were once so pure. Love is blooming. Love is the food,water, sunshine, and air a flower needs to be able to become more perfect.

Love in an indefinite amount of things. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is sorrowful. Love is ruthless. Love is everywhere to some, yet nowhere for others. Love is blind. Love is calculating. On and on Love can go, in whatever way you see fit. But whether you see it as warm and friendly or cold and bitter, one thing stands:
Love, is necessary.

Happy Wednesday.